Beyond Methods: Building Confidence, Trust, and Respect

Hello, and welcome to the Balance Point where I ponder life, horses, french classical dressage, working equitation, 2 dogs and whatever else crosses my mind... I'm Tessa … and if you've been following along on this journey with me, you know we've been exploring some of the deeper questions in horsemanship - questions about patience, about ambition, about how we balance challenge and support in our work with horses.

Today, I want to take a step back and talk about something that ties all of these threads together. Something that's become crystal clear to me as I've navigated my own journey, my own frustrations, and my own moments of clarity.

We live in an age of information overload.

If you're involved in the horse world - whether you're scrolling social media, attending clinics, reading books, or talking to other horse people - you're bombarded with methods. Techniques. Systems. Each one claiming to have THE answer. Each one branded differently, often purposefully contradictory to grab your attention, to stand out in a crowded marketplace.

Natural horsemanship. Classical dressage. Positive reinforcement. Pressure and release. Groundwork programs. Liberty training. The list goes on and on.

But here’s what happens: people get stuck. Not because they don't have enough information - but because they have too much. They don't know who to trust, what to believe, which path to follow. They jump from method to method, trying to find the magic formula that will finally make everything click.

Most of these methods - when you actually dig beneath the branding, beneath the marketing, beneath the contradictory language - they're remarkably similar. They're using the same basic alphabet. Moving the hindquarters. Creating softness. Establishing boundaries. Building engagement.

The real difference isn't in WHAT they're teaching.

The real difference is in HOW they're applying it, and WHY.

Think about language for a moment. The words themselves - the alphabet, the vocabulary - they're universal tools. But HOW you apply them? That's where meaning lives.

Take these six words: Let's, eat, Grandma.

Arranged one way with proper grammar: "Let's eat, Grandma." You're inviting Grandma to dinner.

Remove that comma, change the application: "Let's eat Grandma." Now you're proposing something very different.

Same words. Completely different outcome. The difference? The HOW - the grammar, the punctuation, the structure.

This is exactly what's happening in the horse world. Most methods are using the same "words" - move the hindquarters, create softness, establish boundaries, build engagement. But the HOW you apply them - your timing, your intention, your energy, whether you're asking or demanding - that's your grammar. And your principles? Those are your grammar rules that determine whether your sentence makes sense, whether it's kind, whether it serves the relationship you're trying to build.

So if you're feeling overwhelmed or confused by all the competing voices, all the contradictory information - I want to offer you something today. Not another method. Not another technique. But a framework. A filter. A way to navigate all that noise and find what actually matters.

Because what actually matters isn't the specific technique you choose. What matters is what you're building with that technique.

And what you're building - what we're ALL building, whether we realize it or not - comes down to three fundamental pillars:

Confidence. Trust. And Respect.

[pause]

These aren't just nice concepts. They're not soft, fluffy ideals that sound good but don't mean much in practice. They are the absolute foundation of any partnership with a horse, mule, person. They are non-negotiable.

Every single thing you do with your horse - every training session, every interaction, every moment - is either building or eroding these three pillars. There's no neutral. You're always making deposits or withdrawals.

You can have all the fancy techniques in the world, all the expensive training, all the perfect equipment - but if you're not building Confidence, Trust, and Respect? You're building on sand. Eventually, it will crumble.

So let's talk about what these three pillars actually mean. And I want to give credit here to Brené Brown, whose work on trust, confidence, and respect has profoundly shaped how I understand these concepts - not just in human relationships, but in my partnerships with horses.

Confidence

Let's start with confidence. And I'm not talking about the kind of confidence that comes from bravado or appearing to have all the answers. I'm talking about what Brené Brown calls "Grounded Confidence."

Brené defines grounded confidence as curiosity plus the willingness to rumble with vulnerability plus practice.

Let me say that again: curiosity plus the willingness to rumble with vulnerability plus practice.

This is confidence built on a foundation of "enoughness" - the belief that you are worthy, that your horse is worthy, right now, exactly as you are. Not when you've mastered the flying lead change. Not when you've fixed that spook. Not when you've achieved some external marker of success. Now.

This kind of confidence doesn't come before action - it comes FROM action. You build it by showing up, by being willing to try even when you don't know, by practicing consistently even when it's boring or hard.

For your horse, confidence means:

• Confidence in you as a partner - that you'll be fair, clear, reliable
• Confidence in themselves as learners - that they can try, fail, and try again without punishment
• Confidence in new environments and situations - because they've practiced navigating challenges with your support

And here's the beautiful part of Brené's framework: she talks about "strong back, soft front."

Strong back means you have clear boundaries, solid principles, structure. You're not wishy-washy. You know what you stand for.

Soft front means you stay vulnerable, open, compassionate. You don't armor up emotionally. You allow yourself and your horse or mule to be seen in the struggle.

This is confidence that allows for mistakes. That celebrates effort. That stays curious instead of becoming rigid. That operates from a place of enoughness rather than proving worth.

When you work with your horse through this lens, you're constantly asking: Am I building their confidence? Am I building my own? Or am I demanding perfection, shutting down curiosity, punishing the struggle?

Trust

Now let's talk about trust. And this one is hard. Because trust can't be forced. It can't be faked. And it's incredibly fragile.

Brené Brown has a framework for trust called BRAVING. It's an acronym, and each letter represents an essential element of trust. I want to walk through this because it translates so beautifully to our work with horses.

B is for Boundaries. Trust requires clear boundaries - knowing what's okay and what's not okay. For horses, this means you're consistent about your space, about pressure, about thresholds. You don't move the goalposts. And you also respect THEIR boundaries - you don't push past their emotional capacity just because you can.

R is for Reliability. You do what you say you'll do. Your aids mean the same thing every single time. If asking for the hindquarters to move means a specific cue, that cue doesn't change based on your mood or the day of the week. This is why foundational communication matters so much - it's your alphabet of reliability.

A is for Accountability. You own your mistakes. You apologize - not with words horses understand, but with your actions. When you mess up, when you get frustrated, when you become the problem - you acknowledge it and you make it right. You don't blame the horse for your unclear communication.

V is for Vault. In human relationships, this means keeping confidences. For horses, I think about this as not exploiting their vulnerability. When they show you fear, when they show you confusion, when they show you softness - you keep that safe. You don't betray their willingness by pushing too far or using their trust against them.

I is for Integrity. This is about choosing courage over comfort and practicing your values even when it's hard. It means doing the boring foundation work instead of skipping to the fun stuff. It means ending on a good note even when you're frustrated. It means preparation before action.

N is for Non-judgment. Your horse can try, fail, and try again without punishment. They can struggle without being labeled "difficult" or "bad." You allow mistakes. You create space for productive struggle. You assume they're doing their best with the information they have.

G is for Generosity. You extend the most generous interpretation to their behavior. When they spook, you assume genuine fear - not that they're testing you or being disrespectful. When they resist, you get curious about what you might be missing rather than assuming defiance.

Brené also talks about the "marble jar" - trust is built through small, consistent moments. Every time you use your aids predictably, that's a marble in the jar. Every time you respect their threshold, that's a marble. Every time you end on a good note, that's a marble. Every time you allow them to problem-solve, that's a marble.

But here's the fragile part: you can dump a lot of marbles out very quickly. One angry reaction. One moment of unfairness. One betrayal of their trust.

Trust takes time to build and moments to break.

Respect

And finally, respect.

Brené emphasizes that respect is rooted in inherent worthiness, not achievement. Your horse doesn't have to earn respectful treatment by being well-trained, compliant, or easy. They deserve respect simply because they exist.

And you don't have to be perfect to deserve respect from your horse. You're worthy of partnership even when you make mistakes.

Respect requires boundaries - and boundaries, as Brené says, ARE respect. When you teach a horse to respect your space, you're not being mean. You're being clear. You're showing respect for both of you by defining what's okay and what's not.

There's a phrase in Brené's work that I love: "Clear is kind."

Unclear communication - wishy-washy aids, avoiding corrections because you don't want to seem "mean," hoping the horse will just figure it out - that's actually unkind. Because the horse doesn't know what you want. They're left guessing.

Clear is kind. And clear requires you to know what you're asking before you ask it. Preparation before action.

Respect also means dignity over retaliation. When a horse spooks, bucks, or bolts, responding with anger or punishment is retaliation. Responding with clear, firm, simple communication - "that boundary is not okay, let's rebuild" - that's dignity. You can be firm without being punitive.

People often treat you based on what you tolerate. If you tolerate a horse crowding you, pushing you, ignoring your aids - you're teaching them that's acceptable. But if you don't respect your own limitations - pushing yourself past your skill level, ignoring your fear, not preparing adequately - you can't expect the horse to respect the situation either.

Respect is mutual. You respect the horse. The horse respects you. And critically - you both respect yourselves.

So now we have these three pillars clearly defined:

Confidence - grounded in curiosity, vulnerability, and practice. Strong back, soft front. Operating from enoughness.

Trust - built through BRAVING. Boundaries, Reliability, Accountability, Vault, Integrity, Non-judgment, Generosity. The marble jar of small, consistent moments.

Respect - rooted in inherent worth. Boundaries ARE respect. Clear is kind. Dignity over retaliation.

These are not just concepts. These are the foundation beneath everything else.

Think of building a house. You can have the most beautiful architectural plans, the finest materials, the most skilled craftspeople - but if your foundation isn't solid? Everything above it is unstable. It might look good for a while, but eventually, cracks will appear.

The same is true in horsemanship. The six basics - moving the hindquarters, the shoulders, forward, backward, adjusting the poll and ribcage - those are your alphabet. They're the tools of communication. But WHY are you learning that alphabet? What are you building with it?

You're building Confidence, Trust, and Respect.

And in a world flooded with training information, with competing methods and contradictory techniques, THESE three pillars become your first filter.

The Framework for Navigating Information Overload

When you encounter a new training idea - whether it's a viral video on social media, a clinic with a big-name trainer, a book everyone's talking about, a technique your barn mate swears by - you need a way to evaluate it.

Here's your framework. Three filters.

Filter One: Does it build Confidence, Trust, and Respect?

This is non-negotiable. If a technique doesn't build these three pillars - or worse, if it actively erodes them - it doesn't matter how effective it looks in the short term. It doesn't matter how many people use it. It doesn't matter if it "works."

Ask yourself:

• Does this build confidence - grounded confidence based on curiosity, vulnerability, and practice? Or does it demand perfection and punish struggle?
• Does this build trust through BRAVING elements? Is it reliable, accountable, non-judgmental, generous? Or does it violate boundaries, create unpredictability, exploit vulnerability?
• Does this honor respect - inherent worth, clear boundaries, dignity over retaliation? Or does it rely on dominance, force, or punishment?

If it doesn't pass this first filter, move on. No matter how popular it is.

Filter Two: Does it align with your principles?

This is where it gets personal. Because while Confidence, Trust, and Respect are universal - the non-negotiables - HOW you build them is guided by your personal values and principles.

For me, I have seven core principles. I call them my promise to my horses. They guide every decision I make, every technique I choose to explore, every moment in the arena.

Let me share them with you:

One: Be an Empathetic Leader. Leadership in horsemanship is about authentic guidance, not dominance. I lead by example, staying true to my core values. I create an environment of safety, comfort, and growth. I cultivate deep understanding of my horse's perspective. I develop holistic balance - mental, emotional, and physical. I remain present and mindful in every interaction.

Two: Become a Master of Body Language. Communication transcends words. I develop heightened awareness of my own and my horse's non-verbal signals. I learn to feel beyond visual observation. I recognize and celebrate every effort, no matter how small. I practice the art of release, patience, and positive reinforcement. I pay attention to how I feel to my horse.

Three: Be Playful. Playfulness is the gateway to learning and connection. I approach training with joy and lightness. I don't take setbacks personally. I invite laughter and spontaneity into my sessions. I create environments that spark my horse's natural curiosity. I transform challenges into engaging problem-solving opportunities.

Four: Be Curious. Curiosity is the engine of growth and understanding. I always ask "why" and "what if." I embrace exploration and experimentation. I release the fear of making mistakes. I encourage my horse's natural inquisitiveness. I recognize curiosity as the most powerful antidote to fear.

Five: Be Clear. Clarity creates confidence and understanding. I develop a vivid mental blueprint of my intentions. I break complex tasks into precise, manageable movements. I strive for excellence in every small action. I communicate with intention and precision. I create a roadmap that my horse can easily follow.

Six: Be Focused. Focus is about balance between dedication and flexibility. I maintain clear goals while celebrating incremental progress. I develop consistency in techniques and personal energy. I stay progressive and adaptable. I introduce variety to keep learning engaging. I blend determination with playful curiosity.

Seven: Be a Student of Lightness. Lightness is a comprehensive approach to partnership. I seek softness in every interaction - mentally, emotionally, and physically. I cultivate a gentle, responsive approach. I minimize resistance and maximize cooperation. I continuously refine my ability to communicate with minimal effort. I embrace the philosophy that less is often more.

These are MY principles. Yours might be different. You might have three core values. You might have ten. But you need them. Because when you encounter a new technique, you need to ask: Does the HOW and WHY of this method align with what I believe in? Does it honor my values?

A technique might build Confidence, Trust, and Respect in theory - but if the way it's applied violates your principles, it's not right for you.

This is how you stay grounded when everyone around you is doing something different. This is how you trust yourself when the noise gets loud.

Filter Three: Do you have the foundation to apply it?

This is the tactical piece. You might find a technique that builds CTR, that aligns beautifully with your principles - but if you don't have the basic communication foundation to apply it fairly and clearly, you're not ready.

This is where the six basics come in. Moving the hindquarters. Moving the shoulders. Forward. Backward. Adjusting the poll. Adjusting the ribcage.

These are your alphabet. Your shared language. The reliable, predictable communication that builds trust through consistency.

If you're trying to teach a complex movement but your horse doesn't understand the basic aids, you're setting both of you up for frustration. You're trying to write a novel when you haven't learned the alphabet yet.

And here's the thing about foundations: they're free. The six basics - the fundamental communication tools - they're accessible to everyone. You don't need fancy equipment or expensive training. You just need to learn them and practice them consistently.

Once you have that alphabet, once you're building basic sentences together, THEN you can explore the deeper work. Developing balance. Cultivating willingness. Creating relaxation of the mind, body, and emotions.

That's what my Foundations course explores - how to use that shared language to build something deeper, something more connected. But it all starts with the basics. It all starts with clear communication in service of Confidence, Trust, and Respect.

A Story

Let me tell you what happened recently. Because even with all of this framework, even with years of experience and a deep commitment to these principles, I'm still human. I still make mistakes. I still have moments where I withdraw marbles from that trust jar.

I was working with my stallion, McCrae. We were having a session - nothing unusual, nothing particularly challenging. And then he spooked. Hard.

I don't know what scared him. Honestly, it doesn't matter. What matters is that he was genuinely frightened.

I managed to execute what ended up looking like a smooth emergency dismount onto the fence. Let me tell you - it did not feel smooth at the time. And my left rib took that fence hard. I wasn't seriously hurt, but I was shaken.

McCrae ran. He was obviously scared.

And in that moment, I had a choice.

I could be mad. I could become the scary thing. I had no idea what spooked him, but in that moment, my first instinct was anger. How dare he. After all our work together. After all the trust we've built.

But here's the thing: in those first few steps toward him, I WAS mad. And he felt it.

And suddenly, I wasn't just dealing with a horse who was scared of whatever spooked him. I was dealing with a horse who was scared of ME.

[pause]

I had become the scary thing.

In that moment, I watched trust drain out of our marble jar. I felt confidence - his and mine - shake. I violated respect by responding with anger instead of dignity.

I had to make a choice. I could continue down that path - let my anger justify itself, blame him for "overreacting," punish the spook. Or I could take accountability. I could extend generosity to his fear. I could rebuild.

This is the work. This is what it actually looks like in practice.

Even when you know the framework. Even when you have the principles. Even when you've built a strong foundation. You're still human. You still have moments where your emotions get the better of you. Where you make the wrong choice.

But the framework gives you a way back. It gives you clarity about what happened and what you need to do next.

I violated BRAVING. I wasn't generous in interpreting his behavior. I wasn't non-judgmental about his fear. In that moment, I wasn't reliable - because I let my anger make me unpredictable.

I violated my own principles. I wasn't an empathetic leader. I wasn't playful or curious about what was happening. I wasn't operating from lightness.

And I withdrew from all three pillars. His confidence that I would be his safe place. The trust that I wouldn't become the threat. The respect that comes from dignity.

So now? Now we rebuild. We practice the basics. We fill the marble jar again, one small moment at a time. We prove through consistent action that the relationship is still safe, still trustworthy, still worthy of respect.

Because this work is a dance. And we will fail sometimes. But we pick ourselves up, we get honest about what happened, and we try harder.

Coming Back to the Framework

So when you're scrolling through social media and you see a viral training video that promises amazing results...

When you're at a clinic and the instructor is demonstrating a technique that looks impressive...

When your friend tells you about a method that completely transformed their horse...

When you're reading a book by a master horseperson and they're describing an approach you've never tried...

You have your filters.

Does it build Confidence, Trust, and Respect?

If you can't answer yes to this with certainty, if it violates BRAVING elements, if it demands perfection over curiosity, if it relies on force over dignity - move on.

Does it align with your principles?

If the HOW and WHY don't match your values, if it asks you to be someone you don't want to be, if it conflicts with your promise to your horse - it's not for you, even if it works for someone else.

Do you have the foundation to apply it?

If you're still building your alphabet, if your basic communication isn't clear and reliable yet - start there. Don't skip ahead to the complex sentence just because it looks impressive.

This framework doesn't tell you there's only one right way. It doesn't say you can never explore new methods or learn from different teachers.

What it does is give you a compass. A way to navigate the overwhelming sea of information without getting lost. A way to stay true to what actually matters while remaining open to growth and learning.

Because at the end of the day, the technique doesn't matter as much as we think it does.

What matters is the relationship you're building.

What matters is that your horse trusts you, has confidence in you and themselves, and experiences mutual respect in every interaction.

What matters is that you're making deposits in that marble jar more often than withdrawals.

What matters is that you're operating from a place of enoughness - strong back, soft front - rather than trying to prove worth through performance.

The basics - those six fundamental communication tools - they're free. They're accessible. You can start there today. [You can find them at cohesivehorsemanship.com]

And if you want to go deeper, if you want to explore how to use that shared language to develop balance, willingness, and relaxation - that's what the Foundations course is for. It's the next step on the journey. But it all begins with those three pillars: Confidence, Trust, and Respect.

If you've been with me through these audio blogs - if you listened to the episode about moving beyond external wins and finding joy in the journey... if you heard the one about balancing ambition with patience and reward... if you worked through the ideas around productive struggle and learning - this is the framework that holds all of that together.

When I talked about not chasing wins for validation, I was talking about operating from enoughness. Grounded confidence.

When I talked about preparation before action and rewarding effort, I was talking about building trust through reliability and non-judgment.

When I talked about allowing mistakes and productive struggle, I was talking about creating the space for curiosity and vulnerability that builds true confidence.

It all comes back to this: Confidence, Trust, and Respect.

These are the foundations that actually matter.

These are what you're building, whether you realize it or not, in every single interaction with your horse.

And when you get clear about that - when you filter every decision, every technique, every method through these three pillars and your own principles - the noise quiets down. The overwhelm eases. You find your path forward.

Not because someone told you it was the right path. But because you know, deep in your bones, that it's building what matters.

And if you want to explore Brené Brown's work more deeply - the concepts of grounded confidence, the BRAVING framework, boundaries as respect - I highly recommend her books, particularly "Rising Strong" and "Dare to Lead." Her work on trust, vulnerability, and courage has been transformative, not just in how I understand human relationships, but in how I show up for my horses. Look her up. Her wisdom is worth your time.

Thank you for being here. Thank you for doing this work with intention and heart. Thank you for caring about the HOW and the WHY, not just the WHAT.

Keep building those foundations. Keep filling that marble jar. Keep showing up with a strong back and soft front.

Your equine is lucky to have you.

And if you want to rate this or leave a review or just send me a note, please don’t hesitate

Until next time - Ride on!