Beyond the win: Setting Goals that Sustain you

"Beyond the Win: Why Your Goals Are Draining You (And What to Do About It)"

Happy New Year! 

It's that time of year again.

January. New year, new you. Everyone's setting goals, making resolutions, declaring THIS is the year everything changes.

And by February? Most of those goals are abandoned. Or worse - they've become one more thing on the list of things we feel guilty about not doing.

I want to talk about why that happens. And more importantly - what to do about it.

Because here's what I've learned: It's not that goals are bad. It's that most goals are built on the wrong foundation.

And when the foundation is wrong, the whole thing crumbles. No matter how motivated you are in January.

So if you're someone who's set goals that ended up draining you instead of sustaining you...

If you've achieved success but felt empty...

If you know what you want but you're stuck between the life you have and the life you want...

This is for you.

I'm Tessa, and I teach partnership-based horsemanship at Cohesive Horsemanship. But today, I want to talk about something that doesn’t only apply to horses.

I want to talk about how we set goals. How we build visions. And why most of us are doing it backwards.

Let’s think about two examples

Number one: The executive.

She hits her earnings goal for the year. Celebrates. Checks the box. Success!

But when she looks back at the cost - high blood pressure, depression, estranged partner, poor sleep, too much drinking - was it worth it?

She got the goal. But she lost herself.

Example two: The equestrian. (This one's close to my world.)

She sets a goal to win Regionals at her level. Works really hard. Puts in extra riding time. Spends thousands on lessons. Uses all the "tools" to get the results she wants.

And she DOES win. The ribbon, the recognition, the momentary joy - it's fantastic.

But her horse suddenly doesn't want to be caught. Shows ulcer symptoms. Has mysterious lameness. Has gotten spooky.

And honestly? She's feeling pressured and stressed. Not enjoying lessons anymore. Leaving most sessions frustrated.

She won. But the partnership with her horse is broken.

Here's the common thread:

Both achieved their goals. Both paid a price they didn't anticipate. Both are left asking: "Was this worth it?"

How you get there matters as much, if not more,  as getting there.

And when you build goals without a foundation of joy, without clarity on your principles, without facing your fears - you end up achieving things that cost you more than they give you.

We had qualified for regionals. I was SO excited. Totally nervous, but in that good way - the butterflies that come with growth joy, you know?

I felt ready. My horse felt good. We loaded up, got to the show grounds, settled into the barn.

And then I started looking around.

HOLY crap. Everyone here is really, really good.

And there it was - that shift. I started comparing myself to others. The joy started fading. The doubt crept in.

Suddenly I was worried I didn't look as good while riding. I was focused on how I appeared instead of the partnership with my horse.

And my rides? They sucked.

I was blaming my horse. I was frustrated. I felt inadequate. I was FORCING things because I was so in my head about everyone else.

It was all ugly.

Looking back now, I can see exactly what happened: I allowed external goals and pressure to drive my focus. I abandoned my principles.

Partnership first? Out the window. I was not a good partner for my horse in those moments. I was trying to LOOK good instead of BE good.

I violated everything I teach.

And it cost me. Not just the placement - but the JOY. The whole experience became about comparison and inadequacy instead of connection and growth.

Sometimes it’s hard to stick to your principles. Especially when the pressure is on.

The competitions where I kept my focus on MY ride. On partnership with my horse. On the quality of our connection, not the quality of everyone else's training.

I had LOVELY rides. We placed well, actually.

And…  I still FEEL how good those rides felt. I remember the softness, the willingness, the partnership.

The placing? I honestly can't remember where we placed. But I remember how it FELT to ride in alignment with my principles.

That's the difference between goals built on comparison and goals built on joy and principles.

One leaves you empty even when you win.

The other fills you up regardless of placement.

This lesson - stick to your principles, partnership first - it didn't just apply to my horsemanship. It applied to my whole life.

After 22 years with the U.S. Forest Service, I had built an incredible career.

National-level position. Lead instructor for the highest-level fire behavior courses. An international award for applied fire ecology. Amazing experiences across the western United States and in Africa. People hinting at bigger leadership opportunities.

And I was five years away from retirement with a pension.

I LOVED that work when I started. I was passionate - I worked with brilliant people who inspired me. I wouldn't trade those 22 years for anything.

But somewhere around year 17 or 18, I started feeling something shift.

It wasn't that the work became bad. It's that something ELSE was calling me. Something that made my body tingle when I thought about it.

Partnership-based horsemanship. Teaching people a different way of connecting with horses. Building something that honored my deepest values.

At first, I pushed that calling aside. "You have a great career. You're so close to retirement. Why would you leave? You can’t make a living with horses!"

But the pull kept getting stronger. The joy I felt teaching horsemanship, the passion I had for this work - it was undeniable.

And I realized: It's okay to love something for a season and then outgrow it.

The Forest Service had been right for building my expertise, my leadership skills, my foundation. I'm grateful for every bit of it.

But the NEXT chapter of my growth wasn't there anymore. It was somewhere else.

So I asked myself the questions I'm going to share with you today:

What brings me the most joy NOW? What are my non-negotiables? What am I being called TOWARD? What would it look like to build goals around THIS passion instead of staying on a path that no longer fits?

And when I answered those questions honestly, everything became clear.

I left the Forest Service in April 2024. Not running FROM something broken, but running TOWARD something that made me come alive.

I built Cohesive Horsemanship - teaching partnership-based horsemanship to people who value the HOW as much as the WHAT.

Was it scary? Absolutely. People thought I was crazy. "Five years from retirement? You're walking away from a pension?"

But - I've never been more certain it was the right decision.

Not because the Forest Service was bad. But because THIS - teaching partnership, building this work, waking up excited on Sundays - this is where I'm meant to be right now.

You don't have to hate where you are to choose something different.

You just have to trust what brings you alive.

So what IS the right foundation?

I created a free workshop called "The Intentional Path: Beyond the Win" that walks through this step by step. It's six modules, self-paced, with audio lessons and worksheets.

And today, I want to give you the overview - the framework that changes everything.

STEP 1: FIND YOUR JOY

Most goal-setting starts with "What do you want?"

But that's backwards.

Because if you don't know what brings you JOY, you'll set goals based on what you think you SHOULD want. Based on what looks impressive. Based on other people's metrics.

And you might chase those goals around a bit, feel unmotivated after a while, feel shame for not sticking to it… or you'll achieve them and feel empty.

So, instead,  we start with joy. What actually brings you alive? What makes your body say YES?

Not what used to bring you joy 10 years ago. Not what brings other people joy. What brings YOU joy NOW.

Your joy is data. It's your internal compass. And if you ignore it, you'll spend years walking someone else's path.  Anthony De Mello might say you are sleep walking… Come alive, pay attention! 

 

When we think about joy we need to acknowledge that there are different kinds of joy… 

Easy joy - comfort, Netflix, avoiding challenges. Nothing wrong with it, but it doesn't tell you much.

Growth joy - the kind that comes with butterflies first. The uncertainty before you try something new. THAT'S where you're being invited to become who you're meant to be.

Think about my regionals story. The joy was THERE at first - excitement, good nerves, readiness. But the moment I started comparing myself to others, the joy vanished. And without that joy guiding me, I lost my way.

STEP 2: FIND YOUR PRINCIPLES

Joy tells you WHERE to go. But Joy alone can lead you astray… You can just chase good feelings all the time… 

Principles tell you HOW to get there - HOW to follow your joy..

Principles are your non-negotiables. The promises you make to yourself that you won't break - even when it's hard, even when there's a shortcut.

For me, one of my core principles is "Partnerships first."

Not just with horses. With my LIFE. With my work. With how I build my business.

At regionals, the moment I abandoned that principle - the moment I prioritized looking good over being in partnership - everything fell apart.

When you're clear on your principles, decisions become clearer. Not always EASY - but clear.

"Does this honor my principles or violate them?"

That's the filter that keeps you from chasing goals that will cost you your integrity.

STEP 3: FIND YOUR FEARS

Here's where most people get stuck.

We know what would bring them joy. We know their principles. But FEAR keeps us frozen.

Fear of failure. Fear of judgment. Fear of losing what we have. Fear of the unknown.

But… Fear isn't the enemy. Fear is information.

The goals that scare you are often the ones most worth pursuing.

But you can't let fear paralyze you. You have to FACE it.

In the workshop, I teach Tim Ferriss's "fear-setting" framework. You look at the worst-case scenario. You make a plan to prevent it. You make a plan to repair it if it happens anyway. You count the cost of NOT trying.

And when you do that, fear stops being this overwhelming cloud of dread. It becomes manageable. Specific. Something you can plan for.

For me, Chasing my dream of building cohesive horsemanship - the worst case was: The business fails, I run out of money, I look foolish.

But when I made a plan for that, I realized: I can handle it. I have skills. I can recover.

And the cost of NOT leaving the Forest Service? Missing the opportunity to build this work I'm passionate about. Staying on a path that no longer fit who I was becoming. That was worse than the fear.

So I jumped.

STEP 4: FIND YOUR GOALS

NOW - after you know your joy, your principles, and you've faced your fears - NOW you can build goals.

But these aren't arbitrary goals pulled from what you "should" want. These are goals that emerge naturally from who you are.

And we filter them through three questions:

1. What do you want to EXPERIENCE?
2. How do you want to GROW?
3. How do you want to CONTRIBUTE?

This keeps your goals rooted in the present moment, in your personal development, and in purpose beyond yourself.

And then - crucially - you check each goal against your principles.

"Does this goal align with my principles? Or will it challenge them?"

If it challenges them, you adjust the goal BEFORE you pursue it. Not after it's already cost you your joy.

STEP 5: BUILD YOUR VISION

A goal is a destination. A vision is a way of moving through the world.

Vision includes your goals, but it's bigger. It's the story of who you're becoming, how you want to show up, the practices that keep you aligned.

In the workshop, we break goals into milestones. We build learning plans. We identify mentors and community. We set quarterly check-ins.

Because a goal without a roadmap is just a dream. But WITH a roadmap? That's transformation, that’s having vision.

STEP 6: STAY THE PATH - How do you stay resilient?

You WILL drift off the path. That's not failure. That's being human.

The question isn't "Will I drift?" It's "When I drift, how quickly can I find my way back?"

So we build a return ritual. Practices that keep you aligned. Quarterly check-ins. Community and accountability.

Not perfection. But conscious choice.

I drifted at regionals. I let comparison steal my joy, let external pressure override my principles.

But I RETURNED. I learned. I did it differently the next time.

That's what staying the path looks like. Not avoiding drift - but knowing your way back.

Here's what this framework gives you:

Goals that SUSTAIN you instead of drain you.

Goals rooted in YOUR joy, not someone else's expectations.

Goals filtered through YOUR principles, so the path to achieving them doesn't cost you your integrity.

Goals you're willing to pursue even though they scare you, because you've faced the fear and made a plan.

Goals that invite you to experience, grow, and contribute - not just achieve and check boxes.

And a VISION for how you want to move through your life - with practices that keep you aligned when you drift.

I've been walking this intentional path for two and a half years now - I’ve drifted - I’ve had to sit and take breaks along the way… 

Is Cohesive Horsemanship a huge success by conventional metrics? Not really. It's small. But… I'm still learning.

But by MY metrics - the ones based on joy, principles, and vision?

I'm succeeding every single day.

Because success isn't about the size of your business or the number of ribbons or the title on your business card.

Success is waking up aligned. It's honoring your principles even when it's hard. It's experiencing joy along the way, not just at some distant finish line.

It's riding at regionals and FEELING the partnership, regardless of placement.

It's building a business on a Sunday and feeling energized instead of resentful.

That's the intentional path.

If you're tired of setting goals that drain you...

If you've achieved success but felt empty...

Maybe you should find your joy…

It's a free workshop called "The Intentional Path: Beyond the Win."

Six modules. Self-paced. Audio lessons and hands-on worksheets.

It walks you through exactly what I just described:

• Finding your joy
• Clarifying your principles
• Facing your fears
• Building aligned goals
• Creating your vision
• Staying the path

It's the framework I wish I'd had at year 17 when I first felt that calling toward something different.

It's what I used to leave the Forest Service and build Cohesive Horsemanship.

It's what I use EVERY time I compete now - to stay focused on partnership instead of comparison.

And it's yours for free.

You can find it at www.cohesivehorsemanship.com

Take the workshop. Do the work. Build goals that honor who you actually are.

If I could go back to my year-17 self - the one who first felt that calling toward something different but was too scared to listen - here's what I'd tell her:

Find your joy. Align with your principles. Face your fears. And JUMP.

Don't wait until you feel ready. You'll never feel ready.

Don't wait until the timing is perfect. It never will be.

Your joy is telling you something. Your principles are guiding you. Your vision is waiting.

Trust the knowing. Take the workshop. Build the framework.

And then jump.

Not recklessly. With a plan. With clarity. With courage.

The intentional path is waiting for you.

Go walk it.

I'm Tessa, founder of  Cohesive Horsemanship and a student of the horse. Thank you for listening.

And if you're building partnership with horses while building partnership with your life? Come find me. That's what I do.

Until next time - find your joy, honor your principles, and stay on your path.